Ten Ways to Die
by whitelonewolf
Summary: Galbatorix thought he was invinsible... but you can't think of everything... LoL, randomness ensues
1. Death By Egg

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**Pretty Self explanitory, came up with this while talking to two friends... had LOADS of fun writing it!!! LoL!!! Please Read, no critic please as this is not an actual story, just a random funny one so it's not really meant to make sense.**

**Enjoy!**

**Ten Ways to die that Galbatorix didn't think to protect himself against**.

**Chapter One: Death by Egg.**

One morning as the great and almighty King Galbatorix, holder of all things knowledgeable and ruler of the Empire was having his usual breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, toast, cooked tomato and fresh orange juice (juiced by his many servants) something odd occurred. One of his many terrified yet loyal servants brought in a piece of parchment.

"My Lord, this was left at the door to our castle." The servant said, his tone puzzled as he handed his most feared King the letter.

Galbatorix frowned at the paper, and being the wise King he was, checked the letter for any sort of curse or spell that may have been left on it. Finally concluding that there was no curse, Galbatorix took the letter and began to read. As he progressed through the letter his eyebrows steadily rose higher. It read,

_Dear King Galbatorix_

_I am you arch nemesis Eragon. I realise we may have got off on the wrong foot (hence the arch nemesis) however I am hoping that we can sort this out like gentlemen instead of acting like a couple of children fighting over a toy. I wish to apologise for all the insults I made to you – all though you probably do not know about them – and would like to politely request that you let my older brother Murtagh as I am quite fond of him and do not wish to fight against him, I would also greatly appreciate it if you did not try to kill me, Saphira or my cousin Roran – as I am also fond of him, her and my life._

_Saphira and I would also like to let you know that terrorizing your people is not the best way to make them like you… let alone abide by your laws. Maybe if you were a tad bit nicer you would do better._

_I would like to propose an arrangement. If you perhaps be a little nicer, and stop trying to kill and rule the Elves and Dwarves… and me and Saphira as a matter of fact, then I will stop trying to oppose you._

_Yours Eragon._

In shock at what the obviously insane boy had dared to write to him, Galbatorix had forgotten to chew his egg properly and promptly began choking on his egg. By the time any of his servants realised what was going on Galbatorix was blue in the face and, sadly, dead.

Murtagh felt the bonds upon him break loose and without wondering why, took the chance to escape – meeting no resistance on the way – and with a skip in his step took thorn and went to find his younger brother. After all, Murtagh was quite fond of him.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Chokes to Death on Soft Cooked Egg.


	2. To Be Smited

**Chapter Two: To Be Smited.**

It was to be an epic battle, the greatest there ever was, the most amazing battle ever recorded in history!

Standing in the middle of a conveniently large battle field opposite a rather sweaty, ragged yet alive and breathing and oddly elf looking Eragon Galbatorix cursed the boy's resistance.

They started to circle one another like animals, and as they circled the skies darkened and the clouds started to close in – which was odd because they were in the middle of the desert where it hardly ever rained.

Very soon they were soaked to the skin and the young dragon rider was shivering with cold. Galbatorix could hear his teeth chattering.

Smirking at how easy the boys defeat would be, Galbatorix lunged forward and began the intense battle that he was sure to win.

Eragon unfortunately tripped over an inconveniently placed plant and Galbatorix stood above him, ready to strike.

Suddenly a thunderous clap of thunder sounded and a bolt of light shot down from the sky and struck Galbatorix dead.

Eragon stared at the sizzling form of Galbatorix before walking over to Murtagh and invited him, Thorn, Roran and his new dragon (as Roran had amazingly become the last rider) to lunch.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Struck By Lightning!


	3. Don't Paint Your Walls Blue

**Chapter Three: Don't paint your walls blue.**

For some reason when Galbatorix woke up he decided he wanted his magnificent castle painted sky blue and then placed a spell on it so that it would change colour as the sky changes. He reasoned that this would also be an excellent way to conceal his precious castle.

However his poor, tortured black dragon with an absurdly ridiculous name was becoming blind in old age and so, when on their afternoon flying trip, could not see the castle's outline due to the sun in his(or is it a girl?) eyes and unfortunately rammed head first into the castle and cracked his skull. Falling from his dragon Galbatorix was impaled on his very own flag which he had only recently ordered out onto his many spires.

And so the Empire, Elves and Dwarves rejoiced and had a magnificent tea party the likes of which the world had never seen.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Runs Into Castle and Impales Himself on Flag Pole.


	4. My First Lesson

**Chapter Four: My First Lesson.**

Eragon and Saphira were finally ready, they found the castle and approached it wearily as they thought about their tactics to defeat the tyrant King once and for all.

As they crept through the castle wittily avoiding detection they finally found Galbatorix in a room of gold playing chess with Murtagh to _improve his wits_.

Shocked for a moment by the sight, Eragon quickly regained composure and announced his presence by saying something witty and insulting.

In a rage Galbatorix stood and insulted Eragon back.

And so the duel began. They were throwing insults back and forth while Murtagh stood to the side egging them on.

After one particularly nasty insult, Eragon in a huff, levitated a pebble and cast it at Galbatorix. It hit him square in the head.

As Galbatorix cried out in pain Eragon threw another pebble by magic and it flew down Galbatorix's throat therefore suffocating.

Eragon, Murtagh, Thorn and Saphira then took over the castle and redecorated it in memory of their mother, set free all the prisoners (including the servants) and settled down for an avid game of chess while Thorn and Saphira flirted tirelessly as they were currently the last of their kind.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Suffocated By Brilliant Pebble Throw.


	5. Galbatorix went up the stairs

**Chapter Five: Galbatorix went up the stairs to fetch a shiny sword, he fell down and… well died.**

One day Galbatorix had a brilliantly ingenious plan and hurried up to his sacred room where he kept his most valuable dragon rider sword. However some careless servant had spilt some water on the way up that morning and Galbatorix slipped in it and went toppling down the seven flights of stairs to die a painful death just as his servants reached him.

Murtagh skipped past, paused briefly in curiosity before deciding it was another of Galbatorix's illusions and went back on his merry way skipping down the hall to meet Thorn, whilst humming 'Jack and Jill went up the hill'.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Falls Down Seven Flights of Stairs and Does _NOT_ Survive!


	6. Spoons Are A Dangerous Thing

**Chapter Six: Spoons are a dangerous thing.**

The morning before the great battle Galbatorix was in a great hurry, he could not find his incredibly majestic and lucky armour. He would _not_ go into battle without it.

As such, being in the hurry he was, he only had a cup of tea for breakfast. Finishing his tea he hurriedly jumped out off bed.

However he was tragically entangled in his bed covers and fell to the floor. Impaling himself with his spoon from the tea cup which went straight up his nose and into his brain.

Not wanting to disturb their king for fear of punishment, no one actually found Galbatorix until three days later when Murtagh – sick of everyone pestering about his masters lack of appearance discovered him impaled on a spoon on the floor beside his bed.

Finding the situation incredibly hilarious he left the castle in a fit of laughter that in our world probably would have him in a mental home and went to find his dear brother to share the irony of the Kings downfall.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Impaled By Spoon Through Nose.


	7. Watch Out For That Tree!

**Chapter Seven: Watch Out For That Tree!**

Galbatorix set off at the head of his army to finally be rid himself of a terribly annoying inconvenience. As he approached the rather annoying Dragon Rider, Eragon that had failed to die in the many death traps Galbatorix had set for him, Galbatorix was muttering about incompetent servants.

"Idiot boy, I cannot believe Morzan could produce such an annoying child." He muttered, referring to the way Murtagh had failed to kill Eragon on several accounts.

As Galbatorix stood facing Eragon he stopped muttering and stepped forward to meet the boy.

A shadow appeared above him and as Galbatorix looked up he had only time to be greatly confused as he was crushed by a massive falling tree.

"Oops…" Murtagh muttered as he stared at his crushed master, before looking at Thorn and exclaiming, "Great idea Thorn! Why didn't I think of that, there was no way he'd have a spell against falling trees!"

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Squashed by Falling Tree.


	8. Never Inrage The Sheep

**Chapter Eight: Never In-rage The Sheep.**

One morning as Galbatorix was out on his morning walk, Murtagh and Thorn were amusing themselves by frightening the livestock kept on the castle grounds. Apparently however the sheep did not appreciate being herded by a great big giant red Dragon and took off, somehow managing to knock down the fence they were kept in and took off running.

Fearing trouble Murtagh and Thorn desperately tried to herd the sheep back towards the pen. However the Sheep were determined not to cooperate and headed right towards the tree.

Galbatorix, oblivious of all but his peaceful morning walk, failed to notice the sheep until they stampeded over him.

Seeing their master Trampled to death Murtagh and Thorn edged away from the scene and quickly hid in their room, claiming, when asked, that they had been their all morning.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix Killed by Stampeding Sheep.


	9. You Can't Hadle The Truth

**Chapter Nine: You Can't Handle The Truth.**

Galbatorix was severely annoyed.

He paced restlessly outside of Murtagh's room as he waited for him to go to bed.

When the boy finally turned up Galbatorix turned his terrible glare upon him.

Quailing under the gaze Murtagh asked, "Is there something wrong my Lord?"

Galbatorix seethed. "Yes. Where have you been?"

Wincing in defeat and knowing he could not lie, Murtagh tried desperately to persuade his mighty king. "Please My Lord; I don't think you will want to know."

In anger Galbatorix cast a painful spell upon Murtagh. "I demand to know!"

"I snuck out to see the Jester." Murtagh gasped.

Galbatorix stopped the spell and asked in confusion. "The Jester? Why?"

"You really don't want to know Sire."

"Tell me!" Galbatorix demanded.

With a heavy sigh Murtagh complied. "Well, you see, my stay here has done my emotional side very little, and as my father tortured me at infancy and my mother apparently deserted me, and I was torn away from my first friend and brother I am now an emotional wreck and so have turned gay and I now fancy the Jester."

In apparent shock, Galbatorix had a heart attack and died from over shock.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Murtagh Son or Morzan Gay! Galbatorix Dead of Heart Failure.


	10. Lost and Found

**Here it is, at long last, Chapter Ten!!! Bundibird won - as her idea of Old Galbatorix getting lost was one I was contemplating using - _HOWEVER_ never fear to all those who made a suggestion for some of them I liked _so_ much - I decided to write FOUR MORE Chapters!!!**

**Chapter Ten: Lost and Found – Dedicated with Thanks to Bundibird who envisioned a similar idea to one of my own.**

Whilst in the process of extending his castle's west wing, Galbatorix decided to go for a walk in one of the less used sections of his castle – taking several random twists and turns before ending up in a giant room that created an illusion of whatever you wished for.

When Galbatorix stepped into the room he discovered a dead Eragon at his feet and was overjoyed with happiness and raced out of the room immediately to tell all of his victory. However he could not remember the way out. He turned this way, and that way, and which way, and odd ways, and spun in a circle and went another way… then turned this way again… and odd way… and north ways… and down ways… stumbled across some old skeleton of a cat… went up ways again… went left ways… starting to get hungry… ran across ways… and thirsty too… and that way now… sleep wouldn't be so bad either… and that ways… and which way… and oh this is _really_ tiring… and up/across ways… _really_ starting to get worried now…

The next month the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix missing!

The next year the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix presumed dead!

The next decade when there was peace and happiness and large domes made out of silver and lots of plants and trees, and Galbatorix's castle had been made into a heritage building the papers read: Breaking News! Old skeleton found in unused corridor's of Galbatorix Heritage Castle! Presumed to be dead King!


	11. Rubber Dub, Dub

**Chapter Eleven: Rubber Dub, Dub** **– Dedicated with Thanks to ZeraPotterWeasley, cstt and captive1princess.**

"Can you wash your hair?" Came the not-so-unusual-as-you-would-think singing voice of the Magnanimous and Imperial King Galbatorix as he sat in his bubble bath with his large floating Rubber duck and five smaller different coloured ducks – one in a space outfit and another in a sporting outfit – scrubbing his wonderfully flowery scented shampoo in his hair as he sang the "Bath Song"

"I can was my hair. Can you wash your feet?" Galbatorix looked at one of his ducks and said, "Wash your feet Pinkie." As he grabbed a wash cloth and stuck out a foot to wash. "I can was my feet."

"Can you was your face?" Galbatorix scrubbed at his face before quickly washing up his duckies faces as they couldn't reach their own, "I can wash my face."

"Can you was your knees?" Bending his leg the Great King lifted his knee so that it was showing above the water and began to wash his knee. "You are lucky Duckies you don't have any knees to wash. I can was my knees."

"I can wash my hair. I can wash my feet. I can wash my face. I can wash my knees. This is the way we take a bath!" Galbatorix finished his song and made sure the duckies were all clean.

"There you go spacey, and Sporty – Pinkie how did you get so messy? – Star you look wonderful! Good job Diva… wait… were did Quaker's go?" Galbatorix gasped realising his large yellow duck leader could not be found within the many bubbles of his large bath. "Quackers? Quackers where are you? That's it, I'm going under!" Galbatorix dove under the water only to come up gasping for air with no Quackers in hand.

Peering desperately over the edge of the bath, Galbatorix stood up to get a better view of the bathroom but by some unfortunate misplacement of balance, lost his footing and slipped, hitting his head and falling unconscious within the bath and although he could not drown – he was suffocated by the bubbles many, many bubbles of his bath.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix suffocates in bath – the Greatest Collection of Rubber Ducks that was stolen last year to be found within the bathroom with him!


	12. Blind Freefall

**Chapter Twelve: Blind Freefall – Dedicated with Thanks to pottervspendragon.**

It was absolutely preposterous that Galbatorix could lose a battle. It was unheard of! Unspeakable!

The King grumbled to himself as he took another swig of his beer (did they have beer?) – it was his fourth one that night – and he stood, rather unsteadily, deciding it was time to revisit his planning chamber and think of a new strategy to get rid of the pesky human _Dragon Rider_. Pfft.

On his way there – whilst stumbling and tripping down the hallways – Galbatorix abruptly yelled, "I'VE GOT IT! MURTAGH, WE NEED TO LET THE SAUCE _SIMMER_ BEFORE SERVING!" Startling several servants out of their wits.

Before anyone had a chance to wonder just _what_ the King was talking about, Galbatorix spun on his heel and bolted down the corridor. Thinking that he saw Shruikan outside on of the windows he skidded to a halt and throws open the window – unfortunately because he is drunk he cannot tell that it is _not_ Shruikan but a very dark cloud that somehow stands out in the dark of the night – and calling out "Shruikan – take me to Murtagh and then we shall ride out to defeat the Varden!" The last word becoming a scream of fright as he did not land on Shruikan's back as expected but rather squished on the ground below.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix dies on impact after falling out of window!


	13. Have a Nice Trip

**Chapter Thirteen: Have a Nice **_**Trip**_** – Dedicated with Thanks to IamthecrazypersoncalledEmmelee (LoL, I liked idea number 6 the best)**

Galbatorix thought himself a severely skilled and clever warrior.

Every morning, after breakfast he would retreat into some unknown room of his castle (an extension off of his private quarters) and battle with makeshift enemies which usually had his current nemesis's face tacked to it.

After that the "Mighty King" Galbatorix would then proceed down to the fields within his castle walls and take a morning stroll whilst watching Shruikan do his morning practices.

One sunny-if-slightly-overcast-and-grey morning while on his usual morning walk Galbatorix gets distracted by a shinny object in the sky and – as he is not watching where he is going – wanders off the path and within Shruikan's personal space who slaps the ground with his tail (having very serious issues with people invading his personal space unnecessarily) in an attempt to gain his Master's attention.

All this does however is cause Galbatorix to trip over the deadly tail, fall face first into the ground on the other side, go tumbling down an inconveniently placed hill where he finally comes to a stop by crashing head first into a large oak tree and breaking his neck – dying instantly.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix breaks neck after rolling into Oak Tree!


	14. And They All Fell Down

**Chapter Twelve: And They All Fell Down – Dedicated with Thanks to LunaPadma.**

It was a deadly battle, there was sweet everywhere, mud smeared faces, huffs and puffs, drenched hair and in some cases rugged and sexy looks and in others just down right disturbing…

Galbatorix lunged forwards! Eragon dove to meet him! They clashed swords! Bird was blown from the sky from the force of the blow! Somewhere far away a Volcano trembled in fear and collapsed upon itself! Galbatorix lunged again! Eragon once again came forth to meet him! He trips! Galbatorix reign's down on him! And _Bang_!

He's dead! He's dead! He did it! Galbatorix got rid of his seventeen-year-old-dragon-elf/human-hybrid-rider-pain-in-the-arse-nemisis!

Jumping up in down in exultation and ran off to defeat the Varden in his joyous overconfidence that came from finally killing a seventeen(?? Wasn't sure so I guessed – too lazy to check) year old. So consumed by his victory he did not note the cliff he was bouncing towards – nor the half-hearted shouts of "Watch out!" "Look out for the cliff!" "You're going to fall!" – Galbatorix fell to his death.

As it turned out – the whole battle had been a dream concocted by Arya as a favour to Roran whom she was secretly in love with although Roran had already expressed his undying love for his cousin Murtagh who profusely refused to date anyone after the rejection from Eragon who had his heart set on Arya which started a whole big mess of a love Triangle that wasn't really a triangle but more of a square but it doesn't matter anyways because the square killed Galbatorix who had been sleep walking and woke up exactly where his dream had ended – on the way to the Varden.

Shruikan – who tried desperately to save his master – was withered from age and his wings were not working properly due to a spell-gone-wrong from Murtagh and he and Galbatorix landed on the dwarf clan Az Sweldn rak Anhúin, crushing all four remaining members.

The next morning the papers read: Breaking News! Galbatorix and Shruikan dead from Cliff Fall! Dwarf clan Az Sweldn rak Anhúin crushed to dead by said fall!

After which the people rejoiced and Murtagh decided to fulfil his life dream of gardening whilst working in secret on a spell that would make Eragon forget they were brothers and cause the other Dragon Rider to fall in love with him.

Eragon and Roran had the uncomfortable pleasure of dealing with Dragon love as after Galbatorix's defeat the last egg was released and Roran was the Dragon rider. Saphira and Roran's new dragon feel in love.

Roran's wife was still trying to accept the fact that her love of her life had become _gay_ while she was away and was desperately trying to save their marriage with Roran only agreed to as he had given up hope on Murtagh.

Arya was trying to find spells that would stop Eragon from finding her whilst trying to steal Roran's attention away from his wife.

But aside from that… they all live Happily Ever After.

Fin.


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